


All The Ways I Try To Confess

by Sarcastic_Metaphor



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Raihan is a sad bean, References to Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, and I'm evil for writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 01:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21807469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcastic_Metaphor/pseuds/Sarcastic_Metaphor
Summary: Leon is gone.He died to prevent the coming of the next Darkest Day and now he's gone.But Raihan is still here, and he never got the chance to tell Leon how he felt. There's no point in trying any more, but he just can't let go of the past.
Relationships: Raihan/Leon
Comments: 33
Kudos: 202





	All The Ways I Try To Confess

_Leon,_

  
  


Raihan’s hand shook. He couldn’t finish the letter. He couldn’t even get his thoughts untangled from each other.

He gritted his teeth and ripped the page from the notebook. He crumpled it up and threw it away.

How fucking pathetic was he?  
  
He had all this time to confess to Leon. He had ten fucking years to confess, since they met when they were ten and Raihan fell in love when he was ten. 

Because while they were rivals, Leon always brought out the best in him. Leon was always there for him. Leon understood Raihan like no one else. Even when they were kids and Raihan had no idea what love really was, he was irrefutably in love with Leon.

So he just couldn’t accept that Leon was dead.

Leon being gone meant that half of Raihan was gone. 

How on earth could writing a damn letter ever equate to telling Leon what he felt?

It just couldn’t. 

Raihan buried his face in his hands and bit his lip to muffle the scream building in his throat. Ten fucking years of being too scared, and of fucking what? Rejection?  
  
It wasn’t fair. He would’ve told Leon when he had the chance, if he knew this was going to happen. 

The coming of the second Darkest Day had been stopped, but at no small price. 

Leon, the region’s Champion, their hero, and Raihan’s best friend, died to keep that creature at bay. He fucking died battling it and weakening it and buying as much time as possible before someone could deal the finishing blow. 

Did Leon known he was going to die? Did he really know?  
  
Raihan almost didn’t want to know the answer.

His tears seeped down his face and in between his fingers. His chest rattled and his sobs came out in shuttering, stilted sounds.

The second Darkest Day was months ago, but Raihan was still here. The region was rebuilding it’s broken streets and cracked buildings. Galar was learning to move on, knowing they had been saved. 

But not Raihan. He was still here, awake well past midnight because he hated the dreams that came to him when he was asleep. 

People told him he needed some way to cope. They all thought he was dealing with the loss of his best friend and closest rival, but no one knew the whole truth. Sonia, Leon and Raihan’s closest mutual friend, was the first to tell him he should try expressing his feelings. Writing or recording his emotions, doing anything to let out all the words bottled up inside him.

But it wasn’t the same. Raihan didn’t want to spill his heart out in the form of ink on a page or sounds in a recording. He wanted Leon. 

All he fucking wanted was Leon. 

* * *

People began wondering if he was still capable of being a Gym Leader. 

This was the first year after the Darkest Day, and so much of the League had been altered in the wake of Rose’s actions. The League was now being overseen by a new committee, and a new Chairman was found. In the aftermath of Leon’s “sacrifice” (everyone else’s term, not Raihan’s), a new Champion had to be chosen.

And they picked the kid that Leon endorsed, the one that made it past all the Gym Leaders and to the final Championship Cup. 

Raihan wanted to laugh. 

Sure, Leon became Champion when he was her age, but this was different. This kid didn’t win the title, she just received it. Not that Raihan would say so aloud. 

It wasn’t her fault the committee was desperate to restore some semblance of normalcy to the League. It wasn’t her fault that she was picked.

But she still wasn’t Leon. 

Raihan’s battling skills started slipping. He was losing battles he shouldn’t have. People were wondering if this was just a bad year for him, or if it was something else. But when the final Challengers were chosen and it was time for the Championship Cup, Raihan declined to participate. Someone else, one of the new challengers, could have his spot.

The press went wild. So did the public. They all wanted to know why. 

So at a group PR meeting among all his fellow Gym Leaders, Raihan had had enough.

“Leon was my best friend, and my only rival. If I can’t be Champion by beating him, then I don’t want to be Champion at all.”

It was so hard to say Leon’s name aloud, especially in front of all those vultures, but Raihan did it. The world had to know that he was serious. The title of Champion meant nothing to him if he couldn’t win it from Leon. 

So Raihan watched the final Cup from home. 

And some of the Gym Challengers really had no right to be there. Sure, they were good, but they weren’t great. They had no business competing so closely to the level where Leon once dominated. 

The Champion, that damn kid, swept the entire arena with the final Challenger. 

Raihan couldn’t watch anymore of it. He refused to attend, and even watch, the closing ceremony. 

Instead, he stayed home and felt guilty. He was the last Gym Leader that most Challengers faced. He was supposed to be the one that weeded out the truly skilled trainers and pushed them forward. It was his fault that so many runts slipped by. 

He found the notebook, the cheap little thing he bought to scribble away in. And he picked up a pen. 

_Leon,_

_I almost thought about leaving the League. Nothing is the same without you._

_But I don’t think I can. There’s no one else I trust to be the final Leader._

_I’m going to stay, but because I can’t let a bunch of trainers who just got lucky slip past me. I can’t ruin the legacy you left behind. I’m only staying to make sure the strong ones reach the final Cup. Only the ones that would’ve been worth your time._

_-Raihan_

It was the first letter he ever actually completed. 

It almost felt relieving, in a way. Like chipping away at the weight on his chest, or draining the burning hot tar in his lungs a tiny bit. 

He was still being crushed under that weight and drowned by the stinging sensation in his throat, but this was a start. 

* * *

Months passed. Raihan learned to live with the pain. He also started to write more.

_Leon,_

_I actually really liked your stupid cape and your dumb snapback. I thought they suited you._

_You never cared about how you looked. You wore what you wanted to, even if I used to tease you for it._

_I’m sorry._

_-Raihan_

* * *

_Leon,_

_I had another bad dream. I hate them so much, because you’re always in them._

_Not that I hate you. It’s just that_ ~~_I miss you_~~ ~~_I want you back_~~ _it hurts when I wake up and realize it was all a dream._

_It’s raining today, I think I’m going to go back to bed._

_-Raihan_

* * *

_Leon,_

_I wish you could see my team now. You would’ve loved it._

_I’ve got a Tyranitar now, and she’s a fighting machine. And I’ve got a Haxorus too. I can see why you had one on your team, mine is such a softie until she’s out on the field. She’s a complete beast, and I think you would have really liked her._

_This year, I’m going to push those trainers to their limits and see which ones are really cut for the final Cup._

_-Raihan_

* * *

_Leon,_

_Happy birthday. I think I’ll stop by today if that’s okay._

_-Raihan_

So that day he visited the cemetery in Postwick late in the afternoon. He found Leon’s gravestone. There was no massive mausoleum or fancy statue. Leon wouldn’t have wanted that. 

Instead, his gravestone sat next to his father’s. But people had already visited, by the looks of it. Leon’s grave was decorated in flowers and candles, probably left by family and fans alike.

Raihan set down the flowers he brought with him. 

His throat started to burn and his eyes started to water. 

He swallowed and knelt by the gravestone. 

Here was Leon, and Raihan still couldn’t say the words. 

_I love you._ He wanted to say.

_I love you so fucking much._

But the words never came.

* * *

Nearly two whole years passed since Leon died. 

It got easier, in some ways. Raihan didn’t have to see Leon’s face wherever he goes. All the billboards and posters he saw were of the new Champion, or his fellow Gym Leaders. 

It got harder because Raihan still loved him. It got harder because he really started to fill in the pages of his cheap notebook, and was aware now of all the ways he loved Leon. Of all the things he wished he could tell him. 

Raihan also made sure that this year, only the best of the best got past him. He crushed everyone else in his stadium. And he decided that he was going to participate in the Championship Cup this year. 

It was what Leon would’ve wanted. 

But he wasn’t prepared for what he saw in the plaza outside the stadium. 

He hadn’t been in Wyndon in two years. He didn’t know they built a statue for Leon. It towered over his head, a pedestal with a bronze, life-sized statue of Leon performing his signature pose with his Charizard at his side. 

One of the plaques read: _In Dedication to Champion Leon._

Below it was another with Leon’s catchphrase. 

_Let’s have a Champion time!_

Raihan wanted to laugh. And also cry. He wanted to stare at it forever, and go running home.

The statue just looked so much like Leon. 

A hand fell upon his shoulder. Raihan looked to the side. It was Kabu. He looked as stoic as ever, but there was a certain sort of softness to his eyes. 

“Good to hear you’ll be joining us this year, Raihan. Come on, let’s go inside.”  
  
He urged Raihan away from the statue, where he saw most of his fellow Gym Leaders waiting for them at the top of the stairs. 

It almost made him feel better, not being alone. 

* * *

_Leon,_ _  
_ _  
_ _I competed in the Championship Cup this year. Got all the way up to the Champion, that kid you endorsed. Don’t tell anyone, but I threw the match a little bit. Just to make sure I lost._

_I haven’t changed my mind. The title can belong to someone else, but you’re the only Champion to me. I’ll never want to win the title from someone that’s not you._

_-Raihan_

* * *

It was Leon’s birthday again. He would have been twenty-three. 

Raihan thought it’d be easier to try now, but he was wrong. He was standing in front of Leon’s grave, and it was once more decorated in flowers. 

Maybe it wouldn’t ever be easy. Maybe he just had to do it. 

So he sat by the headstone and sighed. “Leon… I bet you already know what I’ve been trying to say.”

The gravestone did not respond. The wind blew by gently.

“I always teased you for not being the smartest, but you were good at sensing things. You always knew how to make me feel better after a loss.”  
  
Raihan pulled out the notebook. It was battered and some of the pages were torn, but everything he’d ever wanted to tell Leon was written in those pages. 

“I just… you know. All this time I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you how much you meant to me, but none of it felt right. Nothing I ever tried to write felt perfect.”  
  
Raihan sighed, flipping through the small notebook. He raised his eyes from the notebook, blinking back tears.

“I love you, Leon. I loved you as a friend, as a rival, and I would’ve asked you out if I wasn’t such a fucking coward.”

The gravestone did not respond. 

Raihan wiped his eyes with his sleeve, biting back his cries. 

He’d done it. He finally confessed, but it didn’t change anything. He finally told Leon, but it wouldn’t bring him back. 

He got up, pocketing his notebook. 

“I’m sorry, Leon. I have to go.”

He took a few steps from the grave, but paused. He turned back and said, “Happy birthday.”

The gravestone was silent. Raihan bit his lip.

Why was he still trying to talk to the stupid thing? It wasn’t ever going to respond. 

He turned back around and left the cemetery, hood drawn low over his face. 

* * *

Years passed. Raihan stopped writing letters to Leon, knowing they’d never be read. But he couldn’t bare to throw out the notebook, so he buried it in his closet. 

He gained a new sort of reputation over the years too. Everyone knew he was a tough trainer, given that he was the last Gym Leader. But ever since Leon died?  
  
It’s become nearly impossible to beat him. Raihan has crushed just about every trainer that attempted to face him. Word of his strength spread beyond the borders of Galar. Trainers, Gym Leaders, and even Champions from other regions came to challenge him. Raihan lost occasionally, but he still put up a harsh fight against anyone who tried approaching him.

People tried telling him to move on from Galar. He could probably beat the Elite Four in any region he chose. Could be a Champion in another region with ease. Could be famous across the globe.

But Raihan wasn’t leaving any time soon. He was the border that kept the weak from the strong. He was the test that was meant to separate the skilled trainers from the ones that were just lucky. No one who wouldn’t have given Leon a tough time got passed Raihan. 

People online started calling him Galar’s unofficial second Champion because he was so strong. He hated the idea, but didn’t bother trying to dispute it. 

Maybe his heart really had grown cold. Maybe he was not as kind as he used to be. Maybe he stopped smiling as much as he used to and maybe he carried out his battles with absolutely brutal precision. Raihan didn’t care, not until someone unexpected challenged his Gym one day.

It was Leon’s little brother, Hop. He’d grown up quite a bit since Raihan last saw him. Apparently, he had started studying to be a Pokemon Professor, even going abroad for a year to study Pokemon in Unova. He was as tall as Leon used to be, but with short hair and a clean shaven face. His golden eyes burned with determination.

“I haven’t officially been endorsed, but I was hoping you could battle me.”  
  
Raihan raised a brow and barked out a laugh. “You were already endorsed by your brother, remember? That’s enough for me.”

He gestured for Hop to follow him, and they headed for the pitch. It was the off-season for the League, so the stands were empty. It was just Raihan and Hop.

“Show me what you’ve got, kid.”  
  
“I’m nearly twenty, Raihan.”  
  
He shrugged. “You’re still a kid to me.”

Hop was Leon’s little brother, and Raihan supposed he’d always see the kid that way.

They took their places on the field and the battle started. 

There was something about Hop that Raihan immediately noticed. It was the way he tapped his temples to hype himself up. It was the way he threw his Pokeball. But more than that, it was his battle style and the way he commanded his Pokemon. 

It felt like battling Leon. 

Of course, Raihan knew Leon was dead. Leon was dead and in the ground and this was just his little brother. But Raihan bared his teeth as his sandstorm took hold of the stadium and he actually smiled. His heart hammered in his chest as he roared to be heard over the wind. 

Adrenaline pumped through his veins, and Raihan itched to Dynamax his Pokemon.

He didn’t want the battle to end, but eventually it did. 

And he won. 

Some part of him was disappointed. Leon wouldn’t have let him win. Leon was better than that. But another part of him was absolutely elated. His whole body pulsed with sense of victory so bone-deep, that Raihan could almost imagine what it would have felt like to actually beat Leon. 

Hop smiled as he approached Raihan. They shook hands. 

“I don’t battle as often as I used to, but that was a great match.” Hop’s smile faded, “But can I ask you something?”  
  
Raihan’s sense of victory started to ebb away a little bit.

“Of course.”

“Did you think that I was my brother? Even for a second?”

Raihan blinked, his smile fading. “What would make you think that?”  
  
Hop truly wasn’t a kid anymore, if he could level such a serious gaze at Raihan.

“You didn’t battle me the way you battle new trainers. You never smile anymore, but you did for me.”

Hop continued, oblivious to the fact that Raihan felt like he was starting to crumble into pieces from the inside out.

“I’ve watched so many of Lee’s old matches, I’ve internalized some of his battling style even when I don’t think about it. Gloria told me I ought to battle you, but I think I understand why now.”

Hop looked down at the Pokeball still in his hand, then back to Raihan. “We’re both still struggling to let go, aren’t we?”  
  
And he smiled, but it was strained and ruined by the wet gleam in his eyes.

Raihan didn’t realize what he was doing until he did it. He pulled Hop into a hug.

“I think…” He swallowed, pushing against the burning feeling in his throat, “I think you’re right.”

Would Leon have been proud of the kind of man Raihan became? 

There was no way to ask him, but Raihan knew the answer.

Hop held onto Raihan’s hoodie as a sob tore through his body. Raihan didn’t say a word. 

Truthfully, if he was a stronger man, he would’ve let himself cry too.

* * *

_Leon,_

_I know it’s been a while since I’ve tried writing you a letter, but I just really wanted to tell you about your brother. He’s something special. He might be studying to be a Professor, but he can still give me one hell of a battle. I know for sure he’s going to do great things some day._

_I think you’d be proud of him._

_And I’m so sorry, Leon._ _  
_ _  
_ _I’m sorry I tried to close myself off. I’m sorry I let this happen to myself. I should have seen what was happening to me years ago but it was too easy to get lost in my own head._

_All I wanted was to protect your memory. All I wanted was to not forget you._

_But I’m a fucking idiot._

_I couldn’t ever forget you. Never. You’re too amazing to ever forget, but I think Hop is right. I’ve been too scared to try moving on._

_But you always believed in me. You always told me I could be better._

_So I’m going to try, Leon. I promise I’m going to at least fucking try._

_I love you,_

_Raihan_

* * *

“Happy Birthday, Leon.”

Raihan set down the flowers by Leon’s gave. Nearly twenty years have gone by now, and there were much fewer flowers left than when Raihan was a young man. 

(He celebrated his forty-fourth birthday earlier in the year.)

Raihan never ended up finding a new rival. And he never ended up marrying, either.

Not that he hadn’t tried, though. He did, it was just that no one could quite match up to Leon. No one could be his rival, his best friend, and his partner all at once. No one brought out the best in Raihan the way Leon did. And that sort of feeling was irreplaceable. So even though he did his best to become better, Raihan doubted he’d ever love someone the way he loved Leon. 

But he was content with the life he was living now. 

He was still a Gym Leader, and had no intention of quitting. The Pokemon from his original team were all retired and living out their twilight years either in sanctuaries or at home with him. He had a new team now, and was quite proud of it. He was still a tough opponent for new trainers, but no longer considered the nearly impossible challenge he was years ago.

Raihan sometimes wondered how the years went by so fast, but really, it was just the world moving on day by day. Hop and Gloria got married when they were in their early twenties. Sonia and Nessa finally got hitched too. Kabu and Melony were nearing retirement and looking for proteges to take their places, so the League was evolving with the times. 

Raihan was also moving on, slowly but surely, and he was proud of himself.

There would never be a way to know for sure, but Raihan thought that Leon would have been proud of him too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Leon is my fav character in swsh so naturally I couldn't resist putting him through unimaginable pain and making everyone else also suffer. If you'd like to scream at me in private i'm sarcastic-metaphor on tumblr and @beepmareep on twitter


End file.
